An uncrafty post....

I am sorry to rant but there may be people out there in a similar situation who feel very alone, pretty much how I do at the moment...

We went into adoption with our eyes open, scrutinised by all and sundry, asked crazy questions, our marriage analysed, my personality insulted as well as my intelligence,We had no idea what was to come..
There are endless instances but this one stuck in my mind....
When I asked one social worker if we could help her to get the report in on time to be considered for a family and that it would be the best Christmas present money could buy I was greeted by the comment... well Jane , we don't always get what we want do we...A fact that I heavy heartedly understand after 15 years of fertility investigations, no diagnosis and 2 adopted children later.... but we had to smile politely and get on with her patronising comments..

Going from a monthly wait for a pregnancy to a daily wait for a call about a new forever family did take its toll, many .many tears were shed, after all our future was In someone Else's hands, someone who had their own personal battles who in her words worked part time hours for a full time job, someone who would call and reel off children's names (all of which I remember) at 5.25pm before she left at 5.30pm..
I even bought a holder for my phone which I had round my neck so if I bobbed to the loo I wouldn't miss THAT CALL....

THAT CALL, didn't come that often, sometimes she would start to conversation  by saying...Ill have to be quick I'm going out tonight...
Oh I'm very sorry to disturb, this is my life your messing with I would think but never be allowed to say...

6 years later we have 2 beautiful girls but girls who have had early trauma  , girls that didn't ask for this kind of a start in life.....
still we have to fight,but why havnt they been through enough? shouldn't they be given the world?

If I started telling you the blunders that have happened along the way you would not believe it...its shocking what they have done to our girls and to us..

We are lucky , we have good friends they try but they don't really get it.....oh yes mines like this....mines like that....all kids fight... NO ITS NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very very not the same...severe anxiety and attachment disorder, together with learning difficulties cripple my girls on a daily basis...insecurity and a desperate need to be loved, accepted and to feel normal...'just want to be like everyone else'  they say...in their eyes we can never really understand..

I am sick of fighting for them....to be turned down because on paper they are coping...they need help you sanctimonious paper pushers! NOW not when something goes really wrong.. because then its too late...

And why do I need to bring one of my little girls to as many places as possible, SU training? no other little girls there...
Because she NEEDS it...she LOVES it....she feel NORMAL, CLEVER and LIKED..she doesn't feel like this often and it makes me more happy than you will ever know to feel like this, it doesn't happen too often...
Wish I could bring my lttle one but shes not there yet...a long way off...

I feel a bit better for letting this out and I will continue the fight for what they need and what they deserve .